Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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