JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize