I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
