The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
nutella sex= disaster
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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