my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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