I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
