Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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