so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
