Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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