somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
operation have a gay friend backfired
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
