so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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