you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
