all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
