I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I need water and some morals
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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