At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
