im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
