apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
