Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
