i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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