I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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