Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
