she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
