Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He has the fingertips of a God
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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