Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
