I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
