I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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