I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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