Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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