shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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