I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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