I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
