evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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