i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
