the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
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