let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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