Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
