I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
