Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
