everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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