when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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