I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
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