woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
