he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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