If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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