he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
