We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
