we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
