Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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