I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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