A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
