I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
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