On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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