New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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