i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
