Well apparently he's into motor boating.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
