I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize