Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
