omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize