i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
