I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I need to align my fucking chakras
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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