On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
