I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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