You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
